he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
