you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
