Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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