Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
