Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
did i walk over a car last night?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
