Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
