WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
