Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you had me at cake vodka
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
