I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
