I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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