Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
