The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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