booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
