don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i think my cat just said my name.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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