my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
