Quick, to the slutcave!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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