Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
