He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
