U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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