I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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