How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
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