just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
