I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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