New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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