I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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