Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Buhtt sex?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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