can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
