I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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