that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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