dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
