Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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