why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
