True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
