Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
