i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
