take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
