very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she smelled like a LAN party
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
