omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
