it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
worst night to have a conscience
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
