see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
