Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
how drunk are you?
Several
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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