matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
