i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
