The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
