ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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