I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
