Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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