the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
