it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
