I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
